Ever since I started concentrating on my health, I’ve had a strange, upsetting reaction. Whenever I would see someone overweight (usually bigger than myself), I would panic. Especially in restaurants. It was upsetting because it made me feel awful – I AM overweight, and I’m reacting like this?
Today I went to the Y to do my workout. There was a woman there who was very overweight, and she was sitting on one of the recumbent bikes, looking at a magazine. She was barely moving her legs, barely moving at all. And I got mad. Not mad at her specifically, but at myself….the old me.
It made me realize that when I would panic upon seeing these people, it was because they reminded me of me – who I was, who I could be. And it would make me angry to see what I was doing to myself. How horribly I was treating myself. How lazy, indulgent, and hypocritical I was to myself.
On Friday, I did something I thought I’d never do – or be capable of doing, to be more specific.
Well, two things, actually.
The first was doing 50 minutes on the treadmill. I was walking for most of it, but I did do four 3-minute sprints. It felt so awesome – I can’t even describe the feeling. It felt exhilerating to be actually USING my body – instead of just letting it rot. It was freedom and joy and pride all rolled into one huge sweaty ball.
The second was meeting with someone I didn’t even know and help them with food choices. I didn’t do it alone – Sparklebutt was there, too – and I definitely have things to learn about how to not show my reactions when people talk about significant others being unsupportive, but Sparklebutt seems to think that I know my stuff when it comes to eating clean. She’s going to send me another person who wants to learn more, too.
I talked to her a little bit about…my role. I really want to help her…in fact, I’ve had daydreams about being some sort of partner/co-worker/underling in her training business. But even though I am doing things now, I feel weird about being so involved when I look the way I do. Granted – I moving in a better direction and I definitely think I look way better than I did…but I still feel weird being in a position of giving advice to people while I’m still overweight.
It’s strange…I never thought that there would come a day when I would not see my future involving being fat. When I look ahead now, all I see is success. I have to work hard now in order to get that success, but it will be worth it when I get there. And even if I don’t get to competition level, I know that I’ll be healthy and looking better than I ever have.
Saturday, Darrin and I had the pleasure of meeting up with kaya and …ack, I dunno what to call him. I’ll call him Redheaded Hottie.
They were in town, and so we all met up for breakfast at a little (literal) hole-in-the-wall that we like to go to. It was so great to see them again, and we had a great time talking about past and future events and just being with like-minded people. =) Kaya looked fantastic and Darrin loves being around people as pervy as him. Plus, I got to feast my eyes on a hot couple. nomnomnom
Tomorrow I’m starting up a new regime. I’ll be doing 30 minutes of cardio and then 20-30 minutes of strength training each day. I need to step up my workouts to get past this speedbump I’m currently floundering over (I’m not unhappy, though – I’d rather be floundering at this weight than what I was floundering at before!) and also step up my food intake. I do well during the week because I heart my cooler, but the weekends can be a little…erm…challenging. Though I didn’t do too bad this weekend – definitely not as bad as a few I’ve had. Just need to focus a little harder.
And I’m actually considering becoming a certified personal trainer – mostly because the certificates I’m truly interested in need the CPT as a pre-requisite, and also because I’d like to help out Sparklebutt.
Seriously…a personal trainer. I still can’t believe it, even when I write it down like this. It’s like….I don’t even know what it’s like. It’s like something bizarre and weird and yet makes so much sense.
So what if you don’t have it yet, Jennifer?
It’s coming. You’re gonna get it. You’re gonna love it. And then you’re gonna forget there was ever a time when you didn’t have it.
Like clockwork.
I know,
The Universe
Oh, the Places You’ll Go! – Dr. Suess
Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
Any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.
You’ll look up and down streets. Look ‘em over with care.
About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.”
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you’re too smart to go down any not-so-good-street.
And you may not find any
you’ll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you’ll head straight out of town
It’s opener there
in the wide open air.
Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen,
don’t worry. Don’t stew.
Just go right along.
You’ll start happening too.
OH!
THE PLACES YOU’LL GO!
You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers
who’ll soar to high heights.
You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed.
You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes you won’t.
I’m sorry to say so
but, sadly, it’s true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.
You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You’ll be left in a Lurch.
You’ll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you’ll be in a Slump.
And when you’re in a Slump,
you’re not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?
And IF you go in, should you turn left or right . . .
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find,
for a mind maker-upper to make up his mind.
You can get so confused
that you’ll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place.
. . . for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.
NO!
That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You’ll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.
With banner flip-flapping,
once more you’ll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you’re that kind of guy!
Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
FAME! You’ll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.
Except when they don’t.
Because, sometimes, they wont.
I’m afraid that some times
you’ll play lonely games, too.
Games you can’t win
‘cause you’ll play against you.
All alone!
Whether you like it or not,
alone will be something
you’ll be quite a lot.
And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance
you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.
But on you will go
though the weather be foul.
On you will go
thought your enemies prowl.
On you will go
through the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.
On and on you will hike.
And I know you’ll hike far,
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.
You’ll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You’ll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step,
step with care and great tact.
And remember that Life’s
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.
And will you succeed?
YES! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)
KID, YOU’LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!
So . . .
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O’Shea,
you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So . . . get on your way!
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
This week, my sister and I endured the most awesome of all geeky gifts – all two and a half hours of “Star Wars: In Concert.” Since both her boyfriend and Darrin are both huge nerds fans, I got them tickets for their birthdays, and got a ticket for my sister so that I wouldn’t have to go alone.
I have to say that I enjoyed the movies, as a whole. Do I get into the whole fangirl stuff? No. But I do admire the fact that someone thought of this whole entire WORLD all by themselves. So, needless to say, I think everyone enjoyed the concert.
It did make me miss playing music, though. There’s a lot of horn in John Williams’ scores, and I got nostalgic for my days in orchestras.
One section of the concert was devoted to Yoda, of course. And while we were driving home from the concert, one quote was sticking in my head.
“Do, or do not. There is no try.”
Being that I’m particularly centered around my health right now, I related that quote to my current and past state. It seems a little extremist, but I like the pure logic behind the words. There’s no grey area here – there’s no excuses, no explanations. Just actions. Responsibility. That appeals to me.
I haven’t been eating the best lately. Not terrible, and I’m definitely not beating myself up about it, but not the best either. I’ve missed a couple of workouts, again not beating myself up about that either. But I do know where this path heads – and I don’t think that my good habits are sufficiently formed to rely entirely upon them to avoid this path.
I’m making new goals for myself, because I don’t want to “try” at being successful. I’m GOING to be.
- I will continue eating clean, with one treat meal a week.
- I will exercise 5 days a week.
- I will go down one full size by November.
I know that these have been said before, but repeating them is worth it. I know I’ve fallen off (or, at the least am tottering a little), and I need to focus in order to acheive the goals I want. I refuse to set myself up for failure.
“Jennifer, whatever you focus on, you will experience.
When you talk about “what is” or “what was,” even if you’re just explaining to a friendly ear, you project more of the same into the future. If you ask more than you give thanks, you’ll believe less in your own power. And if you insist that it’s hard and that you’re lonely, you’ll find that it is, and you are.
Yet, always you can choose to focus on what’s good.
Tallyho,
The Universe”
This particular whisper from The Universe really struck me. It took me a long time to see just how much I was holding myself back – even when I thought it was something else holding me, it was always me in costume.
I was so focused on the bad things for so long, it’s no wonder I feel so much lighter now. I even started to type out the bad things, but I stopped myself – I don’t want to project those into the future.
I do know that one of the major things that I’m relieved of is guilt. I no longer feel guilty, because I’m no longer NOT taking care of myself. I set goals, and I achieve them because I CAN. I can do whatever I want to do – and the mental freedom of that is staggering.
When I say that I’ve never been much for the woo-woo (coined by the other Jen), it’s both true and not true. I’ve never been attracted to organized woo-woo – somehow, the idea of someone telling me how I should do something so incredibly intimate just makes me want to grr. My own brand of woo-woo is deeply, irrevocably internal. Religion as a subject fascinates me to no end, but I can’t truly identify with any one particular label. Which I guess is why Tryst is such a good fit for me. =)
I’ve gone through a lot of personal changes since the previous camp. I’ve shed a lot of self-doubt, along with almost 40 pounds. My whole outlook on life has changed to a positive one, and I feel brighter, lighter and more content than I ever have in my life – so when the Trope was mentioned, I felt like I didn’t really have anything to contribute to it except my respect for those people who did.
I think that I was in the first group of people to visit the Trope. There weren’t many messages, and most of them were written on the boards that made up the structure. But the moment I crossed the threshold, I felt my internal woo-woo perk and a quote that I have held close to me came to mind. I wanted to physicalize (is that even a word?) the idea behind the quote, and I remember being filled with an oddly quiet anticipation as I watched the Trope be dedicated in so many idiosyncratic ways – through ritual, through emotions, through shared memories.
I watched the torches be carried around the perimeter, and as the Trope was lit and the fire rose my wish for my own message came true. I watched the sky, tracking each and every message that was left in that Trope as it became a fiery beacon that darted across the night, manifesting every single hope and plea into physical form.
It was amazing to hear the entire camp go quiet. The aura of respect and thoughtfulness was overwhelming.
And we did it. No one else. WE did it. Each of us. Every single person there made it happen, and I’m grateful for the people who came up with this idea to give us the space to do so.
What was my quote?
“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, she turned into a butterfly. I am becoming.”
So. My goal for the past three months was to loose 20 pounds of body fat. The last 10 days, Sparklebutt decided it would be “FUN” for me to eat like I was training for a competition. It worked, but holy hell – let’s not do that again.
Results: I’ve lost a total of 38 pounds. In the three months, I lost 17.3 pounds of body fat – 7 of those pounds in the last ten days. I’m extremely happy with my results. =) I’m finally getting the idea that I can actually do this.
I also realized today that I’ve lost 20 pounds since March 1st, which is when I started eating clean. I feel so much better and have so much more energy than I did before, it really is amazing.
I have to say that the vain little girl inside me was pretty pleased when Sparklebutt was gushing about my progress. She seems to think that by this time next year, or even later this year, I could be competing. I think I still have a fat-girl block in my head about the idea of a figure competition, but I do recognize that I have the ability to get to the point that I COULD compete if I wanted to – which I think is the whole point. Maybe when I get to that point, I will have the confidence to do so, but if not, I will still have accomplished a shit-ton of awesomeness.
I hit it. I busted through it. =D
249, which means I’ve lost a total of 32.2 pounds from the scale.
“What really matters? What’s really important? Why bother? Who cares? What’s it all for?
You, Jennifer, it’s all about you. What you like and dislike. What you want and don’t want. What makes you smile and laugh. What makes you learn and grow.
Selfish? How else could you shine your light? How else could you possibly hope to lift the world? How else could you be all that we dreamed you might be?
Selfish of me -
The Universe”