Archive for June, 2010
“Jennifer, whatever you focus on, you will experience.
When you talk about “what is” or “what was,” even if you’re just explaining to a friendly ear, you project more of the same into the future. If you ask more than you give thanks, you’ll believe less in your own power. And if you insist that it’s hard and that you’re lonely, you’ll find that it is, and you are.
Yet, always you can choose to focus on what’s good.
Tallyho,
The Universe”
This particular whisper from The Universe really struck me. It took me a long time to see just how much I was holding myself back – even when I thought it was something else holding me, it was always me in costume.
I was so focused on the bad things for so long, it’s no wonder I feel so much lighter now. I even started to type out the bad things, but I stopped myself – I don’t want to project those into the future.
I do know that one of the major things that I’m relieved of is guilt. I no longer feel guilty, because I’m no longer NOT taking care of myself. I set goals, and I achieve them because I CAN. I can do whatever I want to do – and the mental freedom of that is staggering.
When I say that I’ve never been much for the woo-woo (coined by the other Jen), it’s both true and not true. I’ve never been attracted to organized woo-woo – somehow, the idea of someone telling me how I should do something so incredibly intimate just makes me want to grr. My own brand of woo-woo is deeply, irrevocably internal. Religion as a subject fascinates me to no end, but I can’t truly identify with any one particular label. Which I guess is why Tryst is such a good fit for me. =)
I’ve gone through a lot of personal changes since the previous camp. I’ve shed a lot of self-doubt, along with almost 40 pounds. My whole outlook on life has changed to a positive one, and I feel brighter, lighter and more content than I ever have in my life – so when the Trope was mentioned, I felt like I didn’t really have anything to contribute to it except my respect for those people who did.
I think that I was in the first group of people to visit the Trope. There weren’t many messages, and most of them were written on the boards that made up the structure. But the moment I crossed the threshold, I felt my internal woo-woo perk and a quote that I have held close to me came to mind. I wanted to physicalize (is that even a word?) the idea behind the quote, and I remember being filled with an oddly quiet anticipation as I watched the Trope be dedicated in so many idiosyncratic ways – through ritual, through emotions, through shared memories.
I watched the torches be carried around the perimeter, and as the Trope was lit and the fire rose my wish for my own message came true. I watched the sky, tracking each and every message that was left in that Trope as it became a fiery beacon that darted across the night, manifesting every single hope and plea into physical form.
It was amazing to hear the entire camp go quiet. The aura of respect and thoughtfulness was overwhelming.
And we did it. No one else. WE did it. Each of us. Every single person there made it happen, and I’m grateful for the people who came up with this idea to give us the space to do so.
What was my quote?
“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, she turned into a butterfly. I am becoming.”
So. My goal for the past three months was to loose 20 pounds of body fat. The last 10 days, Sparklebutt decided it would be “FUN” for me to eat like I was training for a competition. It worked, but holy hell – let’s not do that again.
Results: I’ve lost a total of 38 pounds. In the three months, I lost 17.3 pounds of body fat – 7 of those pounds in the last ten days. I’m extremely happy with my results. =) I’m finally getting the idea that I can actually do this.
I also realized today that I’ve lost 20 pounds since March 1st, which is when I started eating clean. I feel so much better and have so much more energy than I did before, it really is amazing.
I have to say that the vain little girl inside me was pretty pleased when Sparklebutt was gushing about my progress. She seems to think that by this time next year, or even later this year, I could be competing. I think I still have a fat-girl block in my head about the idea of a figure competition, but I do recognize that I have the ability to get to the point that I COULD compete if I wanted to – which I think is the whole point. Maybe when I get to that point, I will have the confidence to do so, but if not, I will still have accomplished a shit-ton of awesomeness.