Archive for May, 2010
I hit it. I busted through it. =D
249, which means I’ve lost a total of 32.2 pounds from the scale.
“What really matters? What’s really important? Why bother? Who cares? What’s it all for?
You, Jennifer, it’s all about you. What you like and dislike. What you want and don’t want. What makes you smile and laugh. What makes you learn and grow.
Selfish? How else could you shine your light? How else could you possibly hope to lift the world? How else could you be all that we dreamed you might be?
Selfish of me -
The Universe”
So, I haz new rules. No more 2-hour rule – I obviously can’t trust myself (yet) with that. ESPECIALLY if it’s at home, because I can’t be trusted to get rid of anything I don’t eat in that time period. So, no more. I can only do the splurge if we happen to go out to eat, because I feel like I will be more likely to pick something better for me (I still feel self-conscious at restaurants, like everyone is watching me eat), and I can leave it there. But, I’m going to set my mind to not having a splurge period at all – I can’t keep depending on that in order to keep going.
Speaking of – I tried Soy Tempeh tonight for dinner, and it rocked my socks off. Loves it.
“Jennifer, trust yourself. - The Universe”
“Changing what you have, Jennifer, comes from changing who you are. – The Universe”
After this weekend’s disaster of epic proportions, I can’t deny what I am anymore. I am an addict.
I scheduled Friday night as my 2-hour splurge. While getting groceries, I picked up a package of ready-to-bake peanut butter cookies – it only made 12, and I figured that it was better than getting a package of 30. I also got a container of crack cleverly disguised as cinnamon-sugar almonds.
Within an hour of getting home, the container of almonds was gone. A few hours after that, I ordered a pizza. I justified it somehow in my head after eating the almonds – I can’t even remember what it was that I told myself.
Got the cookies in the oven, and the pizza came. I put in a movie as a way to time myself – I’d be done when the movie was over. Good intentions and all.
I ate nearly five pieces of pepperoni pizza, and 4 cookies. I started feeling bad (physically) around slice #2, but I kept going. By the time I was finished, my stomach was resorting to ghetto-talk. ”Bitch, WTF you doin?!?”
I went to sleep about 9. I didn’t truly wake up until last night at about 10.
My entire Saturday is gone. I spent it in a haze, and literally only spent about 3 hours of it in some sort of conscious (though not coherant) state. I ate the rest of the pizza, and the rest of cookies during that time.
I don’t know why. If I try to remember what I was thinking at the time, I come up with garbled thoughts that don’t make sense to my logical mind. I can remember thinking that that food was meant for ME, so I had to eat it. Saying it now doesn’t carry the same weight that it did then, but somehow that thought made me plow through an entire pizza and 12 cookies.
But I’m not upset about the amount of food. I’m upset that I made myself feel this way, when I can so easily see and feel the benefit that eating clean is having on me. I’m upset that I so obviously lack the simple willpower of saying no.
There’s no more room for mistakes. I am apparently too vulnerable, too fragile, and can not be trusted. I won’t be these things someday – but right now, I have to accept the fact that I AM, and adjust to that fact.
I’m not punishing myself. I am not looking to hurt myself – I am trying to give myself what I need. In order to do that, I think I need to adjust my goals. The 2-hour splurge has to go – especially if I am in a position of having it around the house after that time limit. Maybe give myself the ability to splurge IF I happen to be at a restaurant – with no take-home box.
Eventually, I’ll be able to trust myself Universe. But I gotta start somewhere.
“Hey, Jennifer… It’s OK. Everything is fine. You’ve always been guided. Even now you are watched, and held, and adored. You’ve made great stuff happen, and you will make more great stuff happen. You’ve changed lives. You’ve changed your own. You’ve moved mountains and done the impossible. You’ve been scared and you overcame. You’ve been knocked down and you rose. And you’ve been lost, or so you thought, only to discover it was just the calm before another storm of creativity, love, and fun.
Humbled like the rest of ‘em,
The Universe”
Only if you’re sure, Universe….
Today, I weighed in at 252.2. That is exactly one pound away from my 30-pound mark.
Today, I ran on the treadmill at a Level 8 – which I’ve never done before.
Both are things that I am extremely proud of. What I am NOT proud of is the fact that after running on said treadmill, I literally burst into tears. I was heaving for breath, sweating and all of a sudden I felt my lip do that tell-tale wobble. I couldn’t say exactly why I was crying – at that moment, I felt like I had to take a break and felt terrible that my body gave up on me. But I wasn’t really -that- upset. Poor Sparklebutt…
Later, on my way home, I realized that in that moment when I was heaving for breath and ready to die – I felt like I used to feel. Like I couldn’t do it. Like I could never do enough to change myself. I’m hoping that this was a momentary emotion-flash – like a memory that manifested itself physically in a moment of weakness.
Sparklebutt is convinced that I can go from…well, me….to being able to compete in a fitness competition (against people like her – and FYI, she’s a MODEL) by November.
The competition part freaks me right the fuck out, but my curiosity is piqued to see if I could actually transform my body that fast. To me, seven months just doesn’t seem like enough time – but she seems to think it is. So, new rules. I haz them.
- Clean Eating – I have to keep doing what I have been, basically. Not really much change there.
- Cheat meals – I get to eat whatever the hell I want, one day a week for a total of 2 hours. I could eat 10,000 calories if I want, but I can’t go beyond the 2 hours.
- Tracking food – I was challenging myself to continue eating clean without tracking my food, but while I’m doing this new regime, I have to track everything to make sure that I am hitting my goals. I’m sure that if I go over them, I will have to do something appropriately agonizing.
- Exercise – Do something everyday.
Basically, I told Sparklebutt to train me like I was going to compete in November. I really am curious to see if this is even possible, but it’s definitely going to be a challenge. Today, she made me run. Outside. The last time I did that, I was in high school. O.o
I’m going to have to change my mindset. Every time I am tempted with something, I’ll have to remember the possibility of being made to get up on a stage in a bikini. *blinkblink*
The new me?