Archive for April, 2010
I was talking to someone today about a comment they received about their body that made them feel good. I tried to think back to the last comment I received about my body, and….
….I literally could only think of a single one that has ever been spoken to me. And it was about my eyes.
During my first year of college, I had a brief affair with a Shaman from New Hampshire. He rode a bus all the way to see me and we stayed in a hotel room for an entire week, eating Totino’s pizzas and fucking like bunnies. Obviously, I have very fond memories of him, even though the relationship was brief. He said he would always send crows to watch over me, so whenever I see those black birds I think of him.
Anyway. During that marathon of pizzasex, he told me that my eyes were the color of a forest layered in mist – the best compliment I have ever received. It’s a perfect description for me, too – knowing my affinity for wooded areas.
So…that’s it. No one has ever told me I have nice boobs. Someone once said that I had a “spankable” ass, but I’m also pretty sure that he said that to everyone. I get the “you’re pretty” from Darrin, but nothing beyond that.
In a related note, I was also talking about my motivation for weight loss today. It took me awhile, but I finally accepted the fact that I just want to look good. Not only do I want to like what I see in the mirror – I want people to want me. I want to inspire lust. I’ve never felt like I do that…never felt like I have done that. I’m not even sure Darrin looks at me that way. Maybe I’m just….a convenience?
I was JUST having a conversation with Sparklebutt about this…(someone posted about flucuating weight frustrations)
I am a chronic scale-watcher/hater/lover. I weigh myself each day, and when I first started out, even though I knew I was gaining weight that was good for me (muscle mass) it upset me that the number was even a little higher.
However, I am nothing if not a logical-frog. The last 2-3 weeks I have been flip-flopping between 257 and 258, but I can not ignore the fact that my clothes are fitting better, and that I feel less bulky.
I haven’t hit the “I don’t need no steenking scale” moment yet, but at least the thought has entered my mind. =)
Because I read a great blog post and want to think about this…..(more coming)
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I read a really great blog post about someone hitting a wall and powering through it. Not exactly crushing it Hulk-style with flying bricks, but more like…oozing through the cracks until she finally realized that she was on the other side.
I identified with it, because I don’t normally go off Hulk-style on my walls. I kind of…sit down in front of them and stare at them for awhile. A little detached, maybe, until I can bear to handle the emotion of them.
I know I’ve faced a lot of walls this past year. But I’m afraid to name them, because I’m afraid that they will somehow come back to life and I’ll have to ooze through them again. Which I probably will anyway…but I don’t want to jinx it, either.
(more)
Yay!
I sort of realized that I wasn’t writing anything down in here except food stuff – and while my life is pretty involved with that, I also do other stuff.
Like blowjobs! I do lots of those. Especially lately. Like, every other day at least – which is a lot for us, sadly. I’ve found that I enjoy it…it’s kind of calming after a hectic day. For just a little bit (sometimes) I get to bring out the Oubliette girl, and she enjoys the use. Sometimes I don’t want to…just like exercising…but if I just do it, I find that I feel mountains better afterwards. The not wanting to is usually just laziness.
I get into a very…I don’t want to use the word spiritual, because of the connotations, but that’s the closest I can get. I get into a very spiritual place, a very worshipful place when I get to do this for him. I enjoy exploring the different textures of skin, and I never ever ever get tired of feeling how soft the skin is, even when he’s hard. I like restricting my breath with his cock. I like to feel it filling my throat, and I like when he takes over and I become just a vessel. It’s extremely liberating, and powerful at the same time.
Yesterday was a rotten day. I pms’ed hardcore, but somehow dragged myself through two workouts. I got up again this morning and did it all over again. I have budged only a LEETLE on my clean-eating for the past FOUR WEEKS.
So tonight, I ate pizza and had a Blizzard. Treat day FTW.
And I don’t even feel bad about it. I actually feel like I DESERVE it. *boggles* Can it be?
Yesterday, I had a fabulous day. I planned out things to take with me that I could eat, and I took a trip with my mom, my aunt, my sister, and two other family friends to an outlet mall nearby and then to have a (semi) authentic afternoon tea at a small restaurant. To my surprise, the restaurant uses all natural, local ingredients and was mostly clean (eating-wise, dirt-wise it was spotless of course)! They had fabulous scones, little croissant sandwiches and the best lemon poppyseed bread I’ve ever had. I didn’t feel bad about the things I ate because I had planned that trip to tea to be my “treat meal”. So, I treated myself to some ginger butter cookies that were full of awesome.
But….I forgot today was Easter.
I also forgot that going to Darrin’s family’s house = food coming out of the woodwork. Which usually = me eating myself stupid. And it totally did.
In a few hours days I’ll remember that it was Easter. It’s a holiday. There aren’t many of them, and I already have my clean food packed up for tomorrow so I know that I will start up again. But right now, I can’t stop thinking about what kind of damage I might have done.
I did start re-reading the Eat-Clean Diet book again, so I think I’ve avoided any…negative actions from my mistake. I always say that that is what is important – it’s not the mistake, but what you do after the mistake. I’m trying to remember, but I can feel the haze in the back of my thoughts ready to take over. I’m really struggling to maintain my positivity.
Task for me: list positive things about this weekend
- I worked out Saturday and Sunday
- I spent time with my family
- I had a new experience
- I ate well on Saturday
- I could feel the difference in the way my body reacts to my regular food compared to other food.