Into The Becoming

Archive for March, 2010

I did something this morning that I have been struggling to do lately – get up and workout before work.  But I did it, and Jillian Michaels handed me my own ass.  While Sparklebutt is away playing, I’ve made goals to workout everyday, keep eating clean (so far it’s been three straight weeks with only salads from restaurants as cheat meals), and to lose 5 pounds by the time I see her on the 9th.  So, I went out yesterday and got some hand weights at Target (and other stuff cause….it’s Target….), got up this morning and went to work.  I was pretty proud of myself, and on the way into work, I sort of had the “I can really do this” moment.

But I turned a little emotional towards dinner time.  I think I guzzled too much water at once for my afternoon snack because I was a little miserable, and then I watched a show on NatGeo about fat people.  Argh.  Apparently I still can’t watch them, even if I AM doing things to change.  I thought about binging, but maybe the show helped a little bit, because I was well and thoroughly disgusted by the time I had to eat again….so I made a salad out of bonzo (garbanzo) beans, feta cheese and a little natural dressing.  Yay for powering through!

I made that!!  All by myself, and in about ten minutes!!!  I even had to wake Darrin up and show him, I was so proud of myself.  In that plate of awesome is fresh-steamed broccoli, grilled chicken, a few crumblies of goat cheese and some tofu-pasta that I tried for the first time.  BLARGH.  I am full of awesome.

Another awesomeness was found in my email today….

Jennifer, whatever you focus on, you will experience.

Yet, always you can choose to focus on what’s good.

Tallyho,
The Universe

I’m trying so hard to keep focusing on the positive.  I have reminders all around me, and messages like this from the Universe to pick me up when I need it.  But I’ve been amazed and quite frankly, a little disappointed at the negativity that I have to scrub off me from other people.  It’s difficult enough to continue on with my journey – and somehow, negativity from other people just clings to you, like oil.  It’s exhausting, but it’s also a good reminder to me to not project that so other people feel it from me.  There is a difference between not projecting negativity and not allowing yourself to feel it – I understand that negative thoughts and emotions are normal, but it’s almost like some people want everyone to feel just how omghorrible they feel.  I especially need to work on this at work, though I think I’ve been doing better lately.

At my recent annual pootie exam, I mentioned to my doctor that my PMS symptoms were getting out-of-control.  Specifically mood swings, unexplainable anger, fatigue, acne, cramps, etc.  All of it.  So he sent me to get a blood test done to see what my copper levels were.  Did you know that copper retention in the body is influenced by estrogen, and therefore increased copper means increased hormones?  I didn’t.

So I went back today for the results.  Apparently, the threshold for having a high copper blood count is about 100.  My count?  290.  The doctor literally told me that I was the highest he had EVER seen, and that I was copper toxic – words he had never said to a patient before.  This ain’t no spring chicken doctor, either.  I am full of awesome.

However – I’m feeling pretty good about this.  My elevated copper levels (the doctor said they were too high to be caused by diet or ingestion, so it must be some genetic defect in how I process copper) could have been the entire reason behind my struggle with anxiety and depression.  I’ve always been big on the “why’s” of things – and I never had a good reason for that.  One therapist told me that I was the most clear-cut example of a chemical imbalance she had ever seen – and this was probably way.  So, part of me is heaving a big sigh of “FINALLY.”

Also, it doesn’t take anything dangerous for me to fix it.  I have to start taking zinc and molybinum (I think) so that the copper levels go down – and because this is most likely a genetic thing, I’ll probably have to take zinc for a long time.  Okiedokie, can do.

Once my copper levels are down, there is a good chance that I won’t have to be on the anti-depressants I’ve been taking, which is even better news.

The one draw back has to do with birth control.  Obviously, most birth control means putting extra estrogen in your body, which from now on is a no-no for me – meaning no more pill for me.  In order to address my copper levels pronto, I need to stop taking my pill.  However, if I get pregnant….I’m in big trouble.  Obviously, pregnancy would elevate estrogen levels, and the doctor said that if I got pregnant with copper levels as high as mine are, there is an extremely high risk of not only post-partum depression, but also post-partum psychosis.  When he said that, I kind of started to laugh…I mean, how do you respond to that?  But he was quite serious…”I’m talking newspaper story, driving into a lake with baby in the backseat type of psychosis.”  Uh.  Gotcha, doc.

Luckily, Darrin is awesome.  We talked a little about it tonight, and he basically said that whatever needed to be done to help me was what we’d do.  I have to go back sometime next week to tell the doctor what we decided about the birth control, and Darrin said he’d go with me.

Weighed in at 257.2 today – which is exactly 24 lbs lost according to the scale.

This Clean Eating thing must be working!

Sparklebutt and I were talking about it today – how our tastebuds are changing, how much more energy we have, how much better we feel…it’s weird.  Really weird for me.  I’ve been craving things like cauliflower, apples and natural peanut butter, and when I’ve had something “normal” (or processed), it’s almost too much for me.

I had a very successful weekend, though….got groceries with list in hand, and the only things that deviated from the list were things that were good for me.  I walked into each grocery store (one for the healthy food, one for basics) imagining that my sweatshirt had my goals printed in big letters on the back so that everyone knew what I was attempting to do…because let’s face it, I’m overly affected by how people think of me.  I accept it, and now I’m using it to my advantage.  BWAHA!

MINE.

and….oh yeah….MINE.

After making me die sprawled over a stability ball, Sparklebutt took me aside and showed me something neat.  It appeals not only to my results-seeking side, but also because it’s clear-cut, simple facts.  That happen to be in my favor.  (bwaha)

So, the last time I measured, we figured out that over the course of 6 months I had gained 16 pounds of muscle and lost 34 pounds of fat.  For every 1 pound of lean muscle, a body burns 50 calories a day while resting.  Just resting!  So, math it out:

1 pound muscle = 50 cals per day gone

10 pounds of muscle = 500 cals per day gone

500 cals gone x 7 days a week = 3500 calories gone per week

3500 calories burns 1 pound of fat

1 pound of fat gone per week x 52 weeks = 52 pounds gone in a year!

So I’ve gained 16 pounds of lean muscle…which we figured out would lead me to loose 92 pounds of fat in a year.  92!!!

We added this to my challenge, which starts tomorrow when we measure again.  By June 15th, my goal is to loose 20 pounds of fat, and get to 20 pounds of lean muscle gained.  At that point, I’ll be up to 104 pounds per year.  Wee!

“The slate’s been wiped clean, the past has released its grip, and before you sparkles eternity, yearning for direction. Jennifer, all that lies between you and the life of your dreams is just one teeny, tiny, gentle, little rule. Only one condition, prerequisite, principle that matters.

It’s not love. It’s not God. It’s not fate, or luck, or karma. It’s not complicated or esoteric, and you needn’t sacrifice, plead, or pray to invoke it. It’s the only rule that’s ever existed, and it’s the only one that will ever exist. No reality can exist in its absence. For its mere existence, you are. With its existence, the power, the light, and the way are revealed. It’s your purpose to discover it, and it’s your destiny to master it. It’s the beginning, the middle, and the end. The Alpha and the Omega. The be-all and end-all of every wish, desire, and dream, and you are its keeper.

This caveat of all caveats is that absolutely nothing can be anything until it is first imagined. Thoughts become things, nothing else does. And so, Jennifer, it’s the thoughts you choose from here on out that will become the things and events of your life, forevermore. It is written in stone. There’s no other way. It’s your ticket to anywhere you can dream of. Your passport to abundance, health, and friendships. The key to the palace of your wildest dreams.

Your thoughts, and your thoughts alone, will set you in motion. Your thoughts will yield the inspiration, creativity, and determination you need. Your thoughts will orchestrate the magic and inspire the Universe. Your thoughts will carry you to the finish line if you just keep thinking them. Never give up. Never waiver, doubt, or ask.

Aim high.

That you’ve even received this Note, that you’re able to read it through, means you are so close. So extraordinarily close. The hardest work has been done. The wars have already been waged. The lessons have already been learned. The journey, now, is for home.

Ain’t no Blarney,
The Universe”

So, after a rather revealing day, I find this in my email box:

A Note from the Universe

Great big, innovative, world changing ideas… are plentiful, Jennifer.

People who take tiny little baby steps towards them, are rare.

You are so acing this life,
The Universe

Well then.  You must be right Universe.  You are the Universe, afterall.

After all of my excitement of joining the clean eating life, I totally binged this weekend.  The worst of it was scooting a cart by the bakery at Wal-Mart and announcing that I wanted cookies (which, when I think about it, I really didn’t at that moment…I was still pretty full from lunch), placing said cookies in the cart, and proceeding to eat the ENTIRE FREAKING BOX.

So un-awesome.

Much to my un-surprise, I berated myself about it for about half of the day before beginning to think of ways to move forward.  Luckily, I had a workout today, and I had written an email to Sparklebutt basically whining like a little bitch about how stupidfatugly I am.  Know what she said to me?

“Shut the fuck up and move on.”  (Told you I’d say it, Sparklebutt.)

Right-o.  I haz a plan.  No more going grocery shopping without a list.  No more letting weekends go by without logging my food.  I do it every day of the week, why not on the weekends?  And, I have to think of a goal to accomplish by June (since I was telling Sparklebutt about Spankfest, she decided that was a good timeframe for me to set a goal).  I haven’t quite decided what that is – I hesitate going for the pounds lost goal, only because that hasn’t been a very good progress measurer-er for me, so I was thinking of clothes I have that still don’t fit.

I was sitting outside with Moose when I got home tonight, and we were talking about this whole day…and I told him that I felt (surprisingly) okay with what had happened cookie-wise, because it had shown me some things.  #1 – my recovery time from wallowing is shrinking considerably.  #2 – I can’t expect to break habits that I’ve had years to nurture in the short amount of time that I’ve been watching my food so closely.

So…one step backward, two steps forward.

I’ve joined a forum dedicated to the Clean Eating lifestyle.  There are a lot of thoughts running around in my head that I can’t quite seem to catch yet, but this, at least, is my introductory post to that forum:

“I’m so glad that I found this forum. Ever since my trainer (whom I have dubbed “Sparklebutt”) introduced me to the idea of Eating Clean, and challenged me to try it with her, I’ve never felt better! I’ve truly been adsorbing all the info I can, and this forum will be a great help.

My story is probably like many others on this site. I was always a little on the hefty side, until I got sidelined with panic attacks and accompanying depression/anxiety. My weight ballooned, and compounded upon that was the guilt I felt for doing it to myself and not doing anything to change it. I tried working out on my own, but never stuck to it – tried crash dieting (less than 500 calories a day), but all that gave me was gallstones. >.<

I heard about this trainer from a friend at work, and I decided to join. I was ready at that point – I’d done the initial mental work required to make myself responsible for my health and well-being, and wanted something that would give me lasting results.

In September of 09, I started working out with Sparklebutt. She might look like a Barbie, but she can kick my butt up one side and down the flubber. I floundered for a bit at first, getting used to working out effectively and watching what I was eating. My first challenge was to keep my sugar intake to less than 40g per day and because I was working out and had so much to loose, to also keep my protein levels above 100g per day – so I switched to whole grains, ate more protein, etc. I did well after reducing the sugar intake so dramatically – I felt so much better, never realizing how I truly felt before!

BUT THEN…..(dun dun duuuuuuuuuuun….)

Sparklebutt bops up to me one day and asks if I’d ever heard of the concept of Clean Eating. She challenged me to do it with her, and for some reason the idea clicked with me – I’m BIG on practicality, and this concept just made sense to me! Crap inside, crap outside – duh!

February 22, 2010 was my first Eating Clean day, and since that day I have lost exactly 5 pounds. Not bad for three weeks – but the way my body feels is what is really amazing.

Anyway….enough mush. =) I’m excited to be here.”

And I AM excited.  Srsly – I just had a cheat meal of macaroni and cheese, and even though it tasted like heaven, the way I felt afterwards was just…..gross.  Like a lump in my stomach.  =(

This is a whole new, alien landscape to me.  I don’t know if anyone who’s never been overweight can truly understand, but sometimes one gets to the point where acceptance kind of slithers in, and you look at yourself in the mirror only to think – I can be better than this, but I’ll never be thin.  I’ll never be pretty.

Today, I got a challenge from Sparklebutt.  She wants me to enter a fitness competition in a year.  Like – a pageant for fitness people!  ME?!  WTF?!

My first response?  ”I don’t think I’m pretty enough – I don’t think I have the bone structure to be pretty…”

WHAT?  (Of course, this is hours later, after some thought about the whys behind that reaction)

The logical me is saying “How in the hell do you even know what you look like under that mask of poundage?  Can you even SEE your facial bone structure beneath the chub in your cheeks?!”

Well….no.  Not really.  But could I really get there?  I mean….could I be pretty?  Be thin and healthy and HOT?  Before, I would have said that it would never happen – I’d get healthy, but thin?  No way.  Pretty?  Not likely.

The fragility of my realization that those things are possible is breath-taking.  Like a shard of glass paper-thin, easy to see through and shatter, but if I nurture it….if I let it grow….

I haven’t made up my mind about her challenge yet.  But…as I said to Darrin earlier: “There’s no harm in getting to the point where I COULD do something like a competition…not actually do it, but have the body and mental state for it…”

Oh.  And I’m totally wearing a sports bra I couldn’t even stretch far enough around me when I bought it – but it was the biggest one they had, and it was impulse buy when I was going to start running.  It’s so awesomely comfortable now, I’m going to buy more.

I weighed in tonight at exactly 261 – which means I finally broke the 20 lbs lost barrier.  I feel awesome, and ready for more!