Archive for February, 2010
Sometimes I’m not proud of the thoughts I have. However, I’ve learned that ignoring them does no good – so I try to accept them and move on, but sometimes, I just have to get these thoughts out.
I had a thought today, as I was doing the dishes after coming home from a 10 hour work day….dishes he promised he would do…it popped into my head clear as day: ”What am I getting out of this?”
It’s not an abnormal thought for a human, I don’t think. I think it’s okay to want to be compensated in some manner for things you do – whether it be monetarily, emotionally, words of thanks, etc.
So…what am I getting out of this? What am I getting out of keeping a house clean that I don’t even own, often at the expense of my own free time, and often just cleaning up messes that he has made?
I do get a feeling of satisfaction from accomplishing these things. I do. But the thought that kept answering that thought was “Not enough.”
And there’s one single thing that makes me think this. One thing. In all other things, I could not ask for a better partner. He is considerate and kind and thoughtful and appreciative. Except for this one thing.
I want to get married. He does not. I have asked him if he would at least THINK about the concept – and six months later, I get the response that he hasn’t even thought about it. Hasn’t even had a passing thought about something that he knows is important enough to make me cry – important enough to me that it might…I don’t know.
Six months. Not a thought, after countless discussions.
And so I wait…holding out some kind of hope in silence, keeping his house and life in order, and he can’t even….
Can’t even think about what’s important to me, when my life revolves around what is important to him.
It’s not enough.
Tonight on the way home, I was struck with an overwhelming sense of….overwhelmed-ness. I know what the trigger was – at my workout today, I brought in food logs for the weekend, and I went over my carb limit without even thinking about it. My proteins and sugars were okay, but it just kind of struck me in a way that made me feel like I’m sabotaging myself every single chance I get.
FYI, I’m full of PMS.
Still.
I didn’t cry. I wanted to, but the problem is that usually when I get these feelings of overwhelmed-ness, I also have this running commentary in my head. Everyone has seen Men in Black, right? The first one? Remember how in the morgue, the dude’s head opened up and there was this little alien guy sitting inside, working all the controls? That’s how I picture the source of this running commentary. It’s utterly and completely logical, doing things with methodical calm – so when I’m faced with overwhelming emotions, I don’t really ever get a chance to…indulge them. REALLY feel them. I can study them, watch them curiously, but instead of being able to sink into these emotions, I have this horrible, terrible struggle going on in my head between emotions and logic – which in turn, makes me feel even more guilty than I already do about whatever it is that triggers the emotions.
Lord, does that even make sense?
Am I really trying to sabotage myself? I doubt it. But when shit like this comes up, I can’t help the thought that bubbles up.
Do I hate myself to do these things to myself?
Why would I do these things if I didn’t hate myself and want myself to fail?
Am I even worth trying?
Thankfully, the logical alien has been doing a pretty good job of convincing me that these thoughts are just passing through – nothing to see here, just blink and they’ll be gone.
And in other news, I sprained my butt. I’m full of awesome.
Two things:
1. I’ve lost 17.5 pounds, and 8% body fat.
2. Moose and I are headed for Spankfest!!