Archive for December, 2009
Today, I’m 32.
I came home from work to a dozen roses and Season 2 of The Tudors – both of which made me squee.
I really wish that I could put into words the things that I am feeling and thinking about my life currently, and what’s to come. I wish that I had another word for hope, or for determination. I wish that I could share all the dark places in my head that now have light shining on them, all because of the things that I, me, myself have done. I wish I had another word for the pride I feel because this is all something that I, me, myself have done, and for the protectiveness I feel for that pride.
I have done 45 push-ups in 30 minutes. I have ran 4.5 minutes on a level 7 treadmill. There’s a certain exercise that I wasn’t able to do at first, and now I can do 20 repetitions of it.
Those are things I never, ever thought I would do. Things that seemed as impossible as going to the moon, or meeting an alien. But I’ve done it, and I’m better for it.
I have no doubt that while I’m 32, I will keep going. So, with that in mind, I’m giving myself a goal of loosing two sizes by the end of next year. I thought about giving myself a number on the scale, but I honestly don’t know what it would be, because I’ve gained so much muscle that the scale isn’t giving me an accurate total of how many pounds I’ve lost, and because I’m trying not to depend on the scale so much.
Happy Birthday to me. =)
- Got up at ass-kee-rack of dawn to go to work. Boo.
- Worked. Boo. Lost even more faith in human intelligence. Boo more.
- Met up with Boss and co-worker for gift exchange. Yay! I got a little stuffed frog that has MOOSE ANTLERS. *falls over from perfect*
- Went to workout and got measured. Loss now totals 8 pounds on scale and 6% body fat. YAYAYAYAYAY!
- Picked up ungodly amount of giftcards for ungrateful construction workers. Grunt.
- Ate a bagel.
- Had sex with most AWESOME ORGASM EVAROMG!!!!!!11!!1!!!!!
- Ate another bagel.
- Played a game.
- Watched TV. Am ashamed to say I watched part of Jersey Shore on MTV. Will not be happening again.
- Ate dinner.
- Here. Yay!
Last week was a rough week. I was feeling kind of down, although it was nothing like in the past. I could recognize the signs of circling the drain, which was a little odd for me…it felt a little dissociative, but at the same time, like I was very connected. Which is a weird combination.
I had a pep talk at one of my workouts that helped a lot. It really is all about choice – I have the power to change what I want changed, I just have to make the right decisions.
Setting that idea into words really takes the wind out of it’s sails, though. It was huge for me – knowing that I had the ability to do what I wanted to do, that I had the power. Like Dr. Suess said, I can steer myself in any direction I want, I’m not under the power of something else.
Did the measurements at my workout yesterday, and since I started there at the end of September, I’ve lost 5% of my body fat. My measurements are coming down fast, which means that I’m gaining muscle – which means that I’m not seeing a whole lot of movement on the scale.
Logically, I know that muscle weighs more than fat. I remind myself of this all the time. But for a fat girl…or at least this fat girl…it’s so hard to not depend on the scale for affirmation. Somehow, I need to break this habit, and look to other things for encouragement. I was weighing myself every morning before I got on the bike, but I’m not going to anymore – I’ll just weigh myself weekly on Fridays at my workouts. It will help with other things, too…like me eating DQ and looking at the scale to make it alright because I didn’t gain any weight.
Moo.