Into The Becoming

Archive for November, 2009

What was it I said? Or quoted?

If there is no struggle, there is no progress. – Frederick Douglass

I’m struggling with the struggle right now. I’m admittedly impatient, which is why nothing that I have tried so far to loose weight has worked.

Weird. I just typed “to get healthy” instead of “to loose weight” and I ended up backspacing the fuck out of it. I can’t make this noble. I can’t ignore the real reasons why I want to do this.

Anyway.

Maybe I’m too hard on myself coming off the holiday. I didn’t do my bike on Thursday or Sunday, but I made myself get on it tonight, which is a step in the right direction. I’ve also not been recording my food intake, which is affecting me negatively because I feel like I’m a magnet for carbs. Anything in my path, I suck up – though, I have to acknowledge that it hasn’t been too terrible. I can just feel a difference in myself compared to when I was really sticking to the plan – low carb, high protein, low refined sugar. I DEFINITELY know I haven’t been getting enough protein.

I have to keep going. My butt isn’t going to get smaller by eating pizza and ice cream – even though I want these things, it’s a proven fact that my body doesn’t function at it’s best while stuffed with said noms. I deserve the best.

Whoa. I do? I deserve the best? Did I really just say that?

I got a lot of positive feedback over the holiday…my mom said I look “fantastic” and that she could see a difference in my face. I can’t yet, but I also look at myself everyday, so I doubt I will until it becomes more noticeable. I can tell a difference in my upper arms, and a little around my waist, so I have to focus on that accomplishment and get through this week.

I need my sparklies back.

When you have to make a choice and don’t make it, that in itself is a choice. – William James

Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts. – Arnold Bennett

Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are. – Bertolt Brecht

If there is no struggle, there is no progress. – Frederick Douglass

If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we aren’t really living. – Gail Sheehy

Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken. – Frank Herbert

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts. – Winston Churchill

You don’t get to choose how you’re going to die or when. You only get to chose how you’re going to live. – Joan Baez

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
Any direction you choose. – Dr. Suess

In completely random order:

• Moose – truly, my rock.  We’ve been through it all, to the point where he wanted to kick me out of his house…and now, we’re better than ever.  He’s never failed me, always giving me exactly what I need without me having to say much, if anything at all.
• Fish – my connection to the feminine.  I’m proud of what she’s accomplished, and I know it’s only going to get better.
• my cats – They are total Daddy-whores, but they win me over with every passing rub they deign to give me.
• my home – It might suffer from my not-so-great housekeeping skillz, but it’s our sanctuary from the world.
• my job – I have one.
• my newfound self-pride – I’m grateful for Trainer-Jen, who is being mean to me because that’s what I pay her to do.  And because she pushes me, I’m gaining confidence in my abilities (who know I could run for 4.5 minutes?!) and feeling better about myself in general.

…is the fact that I was kind of talking about myself in the previous entry.

Could I possibly be starting to like myself?

*falls over*

Believe Again

Have you ever stared into the rain
Thought the clouds would never disappear
Have you ever screamed out into the dark
Thinking no one else could hear

I’d lost my faith in love
Tonight I believe again
My Heart was a broken place
Now I feel whole again
You bring me honesty
And that’s worth believing in
and I believe
I believe again

Hi!

I’m going to bullet-list this mo’fo.

• Workout news:  Last week, I voiced a concern with my trainer about not seeing actual pounds coming off the scale.  Although my measurements keep going down, I was hovering around the same weight which just plain pissed me off.  I know that I shouldn’t look to the scale for affirmation, but bad habits are hard to break with old frogs, and it irritated me.  So, my trainer and I sat down with the owner-guy (Joe) and we came up with a plan to kill me jump-start things.  heh.  Basically, I have to do 30 minutes on my recumbent bike here at home a day, except on Sundays.  On the days I have workouts (Tuesday, Thursday and Friday), I just do a straight 30 minutes.  On the days that I don’t, I have to do a level workout, where I do one minute at four different levels and then repeat that set five times.  The level workout would totally make my ass fall off IF I could stand afterwards – however, it seems to go by faster because of the minute increments.  Joe told me that I should feel like shit after these workouts, because I’m not doing this to do it half-way…and I’m kind of proud of the fact that I’m making myself feel like crap for those 30 minutes, because afterwards, I feel awesome.  Out of curiousity, I weighed myself today…and I’ve lost 2 pounds since Friday.  Hell to the yeah.
• Schmexy news:  Darrin attacked me six ways til Sunday on Saturday.  He was way touchy-feely while we were grocery shopping, and then in the car he made me cum.  It was kind of surreal…I was laying back in the seat, the window was open and the breeze was blowing my hair around…it was awesome.  Until he got me home, where it became more awesome.
• Random news:  I’m going on a shopping trip with my mom and sister this weekend, and am totally looking forward to it.  IKEA, watch yo’self.

I’ve been struggling with something lately that I’m not quite ready to open up about – mostly because I’m not ready for the confrontation I know it will bring. I also don’t have anything to base my stance on this situation on except for what I’m allowed to see, which is little to nothing of what I’m sure the big picture is…so there is a fair amount of guilt involved as well.

I’m also getting tired of keeping this side of me to myself. Well, and Moose. I’m tired of keeping it locked up.