Archive for October, 2009
“A slave is a truly enraptured and enrapturing creature, capable of the greatest pain and the deepest passion. She is a temperamental creature, simultaneously fickle in her emotions, and fiercely, ferociously devoted in her affections. She is tumultuous and tempestuous, a mercurial maelstrom, and she knows no other way to be. If she could, she would not change, because, on some primeval level, she realizes that the death of her passion would be the death of her.
In truth, a slave is not simply the finest of all creatures; she is the epitome of all creatures. She combines strength and weakness, boldness and a certain shy innocence, languor and desperation; she is both cosmopolitan and naive. Her nature is an amalgam of all that is passionate in any sense of the word. She is nothing without an owner, but in his arms, she is all things.
She is voracious and demanding, wanting nothing more, and certainly nothing less, than the absolute enslavement of the one she loves–the owner of her soul. She cannot be, will not be, and is incapable of being completely happy, until she knows to the very depths of her being that her owner is, in truth, owned by the reality of owning her. She longs for the completion of a partner in her own rapture/misery.
If you beat her, she will smile at you through her tears, because you have reaffirmed for her your ownership, your innate right to mistreat her if you please. If you kiss her, she will bite you, begging you with her passion to own her again, and more completely this time.
She is dangerous and daring. Self-preservation will never be her strong suit. She will beguile you to her last breath, knowing that without you, she cannot breathe at all. Her vulnerability will appall you with the knowledge that you could never– would never– allow anyone that close to you, and at the same time, arouse in you every protective instinct you posses, to see that no one ever ravages this state of her– except you.
She will define her entire world by your moods, enchanting herself with them, until she has internalized them so completely that a single look from you can bring her to laughter, or to tears, or to orgasm, or to suicide. She will love you with an abandon that will leave you stunned.
She will worry you, and nag you; she will threaten and cajole. And she will do it because she is incapable of holding back from you, even though she knows that you will pay it all no immediate heed, because your attention is your whim. She will revel in your denial of her pleasure. It only confirms her own desire.
But do not be misled. She is clever and she is fleet, and she will give you all you can handle and more. She knows her own value, and is not afraid to demand repayment in kind. She is not for the faint of heart, body, mind or resolve. She will tax your every breath, your every thought, your every move. She is responsibility for something far greater than yourself and her independence in that will confound you.
Be wary, be attentive. Devastate her if you can, but know that she will only thank you for it if you do. And much to your consternation, she will politely, sweetly, touchingly beg you to do it again. And still she will want more.
But never destroy her adoration for you by withholding your own. Never give her cause to doubt it, because if you do, she will exact retribution and it will be the greatest agony you have ever known. She will withdraw from you. She will take her love and walk away without hesitation, because she is enslaved only by her love for you, and without that love, your power over her is gone. She will leave you cold. And when she does, you will finally know that all along, you needed her too.”
writter unknown
As of yesterday, I have lost a total of 3.6 pounds, 12 points from a fat-measuring doohickey, and 2.25% body fat.
F.T.W.
*devil horns*
I haz it.
I’m trying not to haz it.
I’m telling myself that it’s just me being emotional because I’ll be getting my period in a few days. I don’t really feel like I’m failing at this new change to my life, I just feel like I’m somehow not doing enough. I’m beginning to hear doubts in my head, like I won’t be able to keep up with it, I won’t do anything outside of my workouts to help myself…blahblahblah.
I have to watch my carb intake. Joe (the head Trainerguy) told me today after looking at my food log for yesterday that if he wanted to gain weight, he had to eat 50 carbs in a meal. He told me that one of his clients is a guy that weighs 400 pounds, and that guy has to eat 60-65 carbs in a meal to gain weight. My dinner last night had 80, and I almost fell over. What the hell am I doing?
So, I came home and made a good and low carb/high protein dinner. I made a little tuna roll from some flavored tuna from Starkist, some shredded cheese, a little bit of Italian dressing and a low-carb tortilla. I also made a protein shake, and had some Triscuits and cream cheese while staying INSIDE the serving range. (yay me.) In total, it had 49 carbs in it – 21 of that was from the Triscuits alone, so I probably need to find a replacement for that. I do love me some Atkins stuff though – the shakes they have are great, and the little bars and such are good too, without having a lot of carbs (since that’s what Atkins does).
I have been lax on my food journal lately – TrainerJen called me on it last week. I know that it really is the most helpful tool I have, so I decided that I wasn’t going to hold back (sometimes I would forget to put in dinner or whatever) and record everything. It was a little daunting, especially adding the piece of chocolate cake I had for dessert, but…
It’s not horrible. I actually have a deficit of 547 calories left for the day, which is amazing considering I ate two fried egg sammiches with tomato soup for dinner. I went over my fat count by 2, which isn’t horrible. I’m well below my carb limit, so yay me….I still need to eat more protein, and OMG my sodium intake is out the roof.
Those two things really are my hardest challenges – protein and sodium. Can’t get enough protein, get too much sodium. Oy. I’ve started drinking water from liter bottles, so I think that’s helping me keep up that amount…all in all, not as bad as I was expecting.
Does anyone get tired of me talking about this? Lord, I wish I had something sex-filled to write about…we just haven’t been in that place lately.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about body image. Obviously.
It took me awhile, but I think I’ve got things figured out the best I can for me.
As I look back, I’ve never really tied my self-worth into my weight. For me, it was worse in my head than it was in my body. I never equaled being fat to being worthless – in my head, being fat was simply a consequence of something worse. Laziness, etc. It bothered me way more that I knew something was wrong and wasn’t doing anything about, than the fact that I was overweight. That’s why I can’t watch those “fat” shows on TV – the reason I got so upset about them was because it seemed so…attainable for me to get to that state, because I wasn’t doing a damn thing about the elephant in the room. (Literally)
When I look in the mirror, there is a disconnect. I can’t see myself in there. I don’t look at my body and think “That’s me.”
For awhile, I wondered if I thought that loosing weight would make me happier. But, then I started getting happy on my own…and I realized that I just wanted to loose weight to feel like me. To recognize myself and feel comfortable in my own skin.
So when my girl started talking about HAES (Health At Every Size), I had to figure out how to relate to that concept, and how to express myself so that she would relate to me.
I definitely do not think that people’s worth should be based on size. I don’t think that being thin makes anyone happy – though I do think that being healthy does. I think there are some incredibly sexy women out there who are full-figured, and I think that is awesome (after I’m done drooling after them…). I think that being comfortable in your skin is most important, and that that comfort level directly impacts a person’s life in ways that can’t be counted.
I think that I could have been a fabulous fat person. I really do. But it’s just not me. I’m not comfortable in my skin, and now that I am doing something about it, I feel so much more empowered.
Today my trainer was going to be teaching the Boot Camp class immediately after my workout, so she decided to become some evil monster and make me go through said Boot Camp workout.
Twice.
And I did. I didn’t even die. I had to stop and catch my breath a few times, but I fuckin did it.
Afterwards, she made a point to tell me that she was glad that I wanted to be pushed, and that she was really impressed that I did the Boot Camp round. Although I have plenty of support from my loved ones, hearing that from a trainer really makes you feel good.
I asked her if I could start doing stuff at home on the days I don’t go there and she said that I could, but I had to keep the calorie burn down to about 250. I told her that I was thinking of getting a WiiFit because of that commercial with Jillian Michaels – she points to the camera and says “What have YOU done today?” That has really stuck in my head – mostly because I know it’s all on me now. So what have I done today? I kicked ass at a Boot Camp workout.
And killed 50 kerbillion Japanese beetles. RAWR! I hate them!
I am in a seriously bad mood, which is rather uncharacteristic of me right after a workout. But I am. I also have many things in my head, but I can’t seem to find the words to make some sort of grandiose blog post, so I am keeping them to myself for now.
Sooooooooo I started my workouts again. The first thing Jen said to me? ”Hop on that scale!”
Sheeeeeeeeeet. =(
I couldn’t eat as much as I have been while I sick. Therefore, my body went into starvation mode and was all “pleasedon’tleaveme” to every. single. calorie. I consumed. So that 5.2 pounds is back. *sigh*
I’m trying so hard not to wallow. I really am. I’ve resumed my eating schedule (now that stuff doesn’t taste like ass anymore), and Jen has promised a week chock-full of ass-kicking-ness, so I’m hoping that I’ll be back to where I was soon.
I don’t really think I’m mad at me…I’m just mad at the timing. At even getting sick. Which, now that I think about it, is a little weird because normally I’d be all “I hate me, I suck, emoemoemo”
Progress, I suppose. Though Darrin still won’t let me watch The Biggest Loser. He practically flung the TV out the window last night – which would really be a feat, because we have a big-ass tv.