Archive for August, 2009
How many times can I say OMG without being annoying?
Probably not that many…but really. Oh. Em. Gee.
Seriously – greatest vacation EVER. I’ll babble more about it later, but I just had to say…it was fucking awesome. Everything about it was awesome.
Except the rain. The rain kinda blew, but it didn’t even matter because everything else was OMGAWESOMEWTF!!!!!
AND.
I got to be in a cage.
I got to COLOR. IN A CAGE.
And I peed outside for the first time ever. And I showered outside! Completely naked! In front of people!
*goes to digest memories*
Sooooo…I’ll never admit this in public, but I’m scared.
I used to think nothing of getting naked in front of people. It was easy-peasy-lemonsqueesy to get a beating in front of a crowd, to have people mill about and comment on things…
Gah. Maybe that’s why I’ve been having these weird attacks.
I’m scared that we won’t do -anything-. For so long, it’s just been us…and we really haven’t physically done much for a long time. I’ve told him it’s his choice (obviously), but…it will almost feel like I was at a memorial for my own submission if we didn’t do anything.
I’m sure I’ll get over it.
I’m scared that…ugh, that I’m ugly. U-G-L-Y, you ain’t got no al-i-by, you ugly, hey hey, you ugly…WOO!
Soooooooo.
I have steadily been collecting all things camping. I even bought Camp Soap, as opposite to Other Soap, because I am awesome.
I really want to get beaten while we’re away. I had a dream about having bruises and the ache that went with them, and I woke up hungry for them.
I think this trip will be interesting…I hope Darrin can relax some and have fun. I hope he doesn’t get hung up on being perfect, mostly because I know it was me that was causing that for so long. I really just want him to hurt me his way. Like Burger King!
I’ve been thinking a lot about motivation lately. Mostly about my lack thereof, especially in the exercising arena.
I think it’s because I feel guilty because of what is really motivating me.
Whenever you hear about weight loss stuff, you always hear that you have to want it for yourself – that you have to want to be healthy and be around for your family and blahblahblah. Okay, those reasons are great and all, and I totally support them. But what’s really motivating me is the urge for other people to think I’m pretty.
There. I said it.
I want other people to want me. I want Darrin to be proud to show me off. I want to walk along and be admired.
You know what? It’s shallow, I know. But this is how the majority of people are wired, and I’m one of them. I want to be pretty! I want to be flirted with and hit on, instead of being the fat “funny” friend.
I want to be seen. And I know that people would only see the outside of me, but that’s fine. That’s all I freaking WANT them to see. I don’t care if they know the real me, I just don’t want them to be passing negative judgement on me with a single glance.